Monday, January 26, 2015

Weight. Weights. And My Body Syndrom.


Wassup my People of the Journal? Has winter treated you kindly? I am so not into this season, like you wouldn’t believe it. Too many layers of clothing, too little sunlight, too many chances to catch a cold and be miserable for weeks. Perhaps it’s because I was born in summer. Then again fall is my favorite season. A combination of summer and upcoming winter, without the snow. Perfect combo of two.

Well, adding to the dislikes of winter, I always gain a bit more weight now. Some would say it’s normal because the body stores in more to keep you warm. I guess partially is true. And also, partially is because we eat more “piggishly” during the holidays and every ounce added to our cute asses takes double the time to get rid of. And this is exactly the reason behind this blog. Why do we get rid of fat? Why do we do sports? Why do we fight for and against our bodies?

We all have our reasons for sure. I assume the primary reason is because we want to get thinner. But be aware that thinner doesn’t mean healthier. We’ll get back to that later on. Some people do it because they like to stay fit and strong and the scale doesn’t dictate their happiness. Some because they have a very sedentary life and they need to put some action in there if they don’t want to die young and crippled. Some because they suffer from different medical problems that need to be addressed through some kind of sports. Some out of pure pleasure and the rush for adrenaline. Some find in movement and sports of any kind a release valve for daily pressure. For healing old emotional wounds; getting rid of fears, phobias etc. Think someone who has endured some form of mental or physical abuse starting to practice mixed martial arts or boxing or combat training in any form. It helps teaching them to control the fear of being faced with violence. To stand their ground instead of fleeing, emotionally wounded, back to their inner protective shell. Whatever the reason, whatever you chose to do in terms of movement, it’s well done as long as it makes you feel good about who you are, the way you look and the way you feel in your own body.

My reason? Well, I have a congenital kidney malformation, meaning I was born with both my kidneys on the left side. Yeah. They are both well, one smaller, one bigger, functioning fine, only that they decided to be together. Haha. It’s all about love with me. No problem there. The only downside to my “buddies” as I call them, is that they weigh too heavily on one side so they constrict many of my movements. Therefore I cannot exercise in certain ways. I don’t even have the same flexibility on one side of the body. Usually my right side. I have a hard time working out my abbs. I can’t do certain weight lifts that involve my back, I can’t jump high too much or run all the time because it makes them “bounce”, so there is a chance they might “slide” down. Sliding, no good! My kidneys are the reason why I decided to teach my body that “it” and I can get over this weakness and stay strong and surpass the medical limits they imposed on me. And that we can do things “together”, step by step, and grow stronger and build resistance. So I always “communicate” with my kidneys and ask them permission to do some exercises. Haha. Don’t laugh! It’s true. Whenever I have to change the sets of exercises I do, especially abdominals, I try them out, and then I wait for about three days for my buddies to give me the green light. If I don’t get fever shots and lower back pain, we’re good to go, they like it and they’re fine with the exercises. I also keep a food regime where I don’t eat too salty or too many spices, almost nothing fried because they don’t like it. Never walk around either with my waist line “uncovered” because I need to keep them warm. They are quite sensitive when it’s cold. In turn, they have behaved absolutely exemplary when I had health problems, like infections of some sort, that would have otherwise gone straight to the kidneys and cause inflammations and whatnot. People with these kind of malformations are prone to infections much more than the others. Is like when you have a cold and instead of getting laryngitis, you get pneumonia right out of the first. It’s like that with me.

My other reason and this is purely medical, is that I was born with a hormonal imbalance. Namely, my testosterone level can grow up to three times its normal level. Which, as you can imagine, for a woman, is not good. A level so high, depending on the body and metabolism, can cause different malfunctions. With me, it causes an increase of muscular mass as well as massive pain during my “monthly visits”. And a higher level of libido. Haha. As my doctor says ‘”Now you know how it feels to be a man.” Pffff! I try to look at the bright side of that statement. Haha. Don’t get shy on me now. We know all this exists and it happens to many women out there, with or without my problem. And we alone know just how horribly bad those pains can be. It’s like almost giving birth every month. Gents, believe me, you think you know pain. It’s mean of me to say it, but it’s true. There were times when I was literally sitting on my head crying to be put to sleep until it was all over.

As my fellow sisters probably know, hormonal problems are not physical therefore cannot be treated through surgery or anything of the kind. The main solutions as I keep being told are birth control pills to level the estrogen to the testosterone, or have a baby. Both of them - hard to attain haha. Taking birth control pills for many years, in time, like any drug, causes a form of immunity and the body will trick you and will find new ways to go back to its natural state. So if ten years ago I would take pills for 6 months and then for another two years I would be perfectly fine, now I take them for a year and a half and I can barely make it 6 months without going all ”manly” again. No. Having a higher level of testosterone doesn’t influence my boyish attitude. That is just me haha.

At this point, when they change my treatment, my weight starts fluctuating and it takes me between two to four months to get it back to normal. It means I have to change my training regime at the gym. Usually by doing less toning and weight lifting and replacing it with more hard core cardio. This is, my main reason for going to the gym and so far, God willing, I’ve made it for two years without fail, every other day. You may think it’s a simple task to go there and just mount some machine, pull on some weights, run on the treadmill and drink some water. Well, after you’ve gone for this long your body, like a smart kid, will tell you “I know that. Not working anymore. I know that too!” I have to watch my food, monitor my weight also. People say stop letting the scale rule your life. And it’s very true. The “skinny fat” people weigh less. And if they just do cardio they will weigh even less. But if they tone it they will gain weight, yet look better. Muscle will always weigh more than fat, but muscle burns more calories than fat. So if you workout properly, you might realize you’ve “put on weight”, but in fact you feel your clothes hanging on you, or your body shifting in form. That’s a good thing.

Talking about shifting. Let’s take a look at what women were like for the past decades. Namely, what was considered an attractive woman back in the 40’ or 50’ up and notice the difference.  
The 40's

The 50s

The 60s

The 70s

The 80s

The 90s

It's true, all these pictures illustrate fashion models. Regardless, you can see with the naked eye how the woman has become thinner throughout the decades, leading to our current beauty icon of usually skin and bones. Personally, I can't say I’m a fan of a certain image of the woman, but I have to admit I am into a plumper, fuller kind of body shape. It's not that I stick to my "own body type" to justify not being up-to-date skinny. The thing is that I have been very, very skinny back when I was doing ballet; so much that my head master at school used to call me “the thread girl: with no ass and no boobs”. And it was very true. At 5 feet 7 (meaning 1,70m which is also my height now as well as when I was 14) I was weighing 48 kg (105 lbs). If the wind blew any harder, it would have swept me off my feet on the street. When I was stretching, you’d think I had to pair of breasts: one was the actual -0 cup size breasts, the other, my pointy ribs sticking out. And I still thought I was fat! (Slap! Slap!). But that was ballet and those were the requirements. Incredibly so haha I was eating like a pig back then, but being so much younger, my metabolism was higher, plus I trained like 4 to 6 hours a day.

After I went to college and stopped pretty much all physical activity, I gained all the weight that I was missing. Nothing fitted me anymore. I was in total crisis and depression. Then, little by little, as I also mentally developed (haha) I realized that my more mature way of thinking couldn’t and didn’t fit that skinny ass body anymore. Last year in October, after learning the news on my Grandpa being so gravely sick, I lost weight with sleepless nights and I went down to 59 kg (130 lbs). And man, I didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror. A flat, tall, lean but sort of dry, tasteless body. I went back to 61 kg soon (which is my range about now – 134 lbs) and I am happy. I can’t go to aerobics class. Because I can’t make it from work at certain hours. Because I don’t have the patience to learn all those schemes they do and also battle for territory with 30 other people in an overcrowded sweaty hot class. Plus my kidneys can’t take that kind of cardio or intense movements. They need rest in between. And I have a bad right knee (meniscus comes out now and again haha) and ankle (broken about three times) which also need to be minded for. They are little bitches. Suddenly, they can hurt and bye bye working out for a few days. Ballet does that.

So I pull iron as they say. With the big boys. Now this is funny. When you go to the gym, you see most girls do cardio and rarely venture among the weight lifters. So when little old me started doing this, first they looked at me suspiciously. You know, going through all the phases of mocking me, flirting with me, ignoring me, trying to communicate with me and failing at it miserably haha. Eventually, they figured, I wasn’t there to find “friends with benefits” haha, nor to spend time flirting – I have so little time anyway to indulge in stupid games! – or show my ass when I workout (very important!!! Sometimes I think this is an underground culture at the gym for some girls!) So they started teaching me stuff. As they say “I earned their respect” haha. Soon enough, they started taking pride in me doing heavier lifting, more complex exercises. I have a couple of workout mates there who are my pride and joy. They give me strength, assist me with the exercises, teach me new things and advise me when I go wrong. I’m happy to be one of the guys now haha.

It’s not the same with the girls. Some see me as a show off because of my workout routine, as they watch me sweat my ass off from the treadmills where they spend hours. Some try to copy me. Some (very funny!) look at me with some sort of envy when I talk to the guys. And I mean my guys not all the men in there! – because otherwise I keep very silent and to myself (which makes me look even more like a bitch haha) It’s just very easy to give the wrong impression to people and I’m not there to bond and socialize. I’m there to workout. The thing is, most girls fear lifting weights. They think is going to make them bulky. Not true. Not true at all! It’s true, the muscles are better defined and they become a bit visible once you start toning, but if you do the right lifting and reps per exercise, you won’t become a body builder. You’ll just become stronger. I love the feeling! I can’t explain it. It gives me energy; it fits who I am now. A more cerebral, spinal, level headed woman than the young lady I was ten years ago. I believe the way I look now shows my mental attitude. The way I see it, with my ongoing smiling and joking attitude, if I were very skinny looking, many people would find it hard to take me seriously. For me, the way I look, the way I present myself from a body perspective balances my “happy” attitude and adds “weight” to my personality. Haha. If you know what I mean (plus I have a few colleagues here telling me and I quote “I’m losing my ass when I get too skinny!” hahaha. These remarks must be appreciated at their true value haha).

Now it’s time for my judgmental paragraph. And that’s only because I feel I’m entitled to it considering that at my 32 years I don’t do sports for pleasure anymore. More like a stress release and also due to medical issues. Let’s start with the “mean” judgment. I disagree with those people who, suffering from no medical condition, simply allow themselves to get dangerously overweight and never do anything about it, but complain about having strokes or heart attacks at the age of 30. As well as those who are highly overweight because of a combination of reasons and when they are offered assistance they dread working hard for it, literally enslaving their families to help them move around, clean themselves etc. I have seen some very unfortunate cases on TV. That’s not ok to be selfish this way. Plus some medical interventions cannot be performed on the morbidly obese unless they drop to a certain weight, only diet and a tiny amount of exercise can do. But they don’t do it. No one’s fault there. Also, I can't believe some women, even though naturally skinny, continue losing weight to fit the "fashion model" picture, instead of strengthening their bodies. And then you wonder why some faint in the gym. 

On the other hand, I admire those who do something for their health and well being. Those who acknowledge they’ve got overboard, they seek help and then they do everything in their power to help themselves. I admire those who love themselves for who they are. Just because I know how hard it is sometimes. Society or our own standards of social acceptance and beauty make life really hard. Not all people are born skinny, not all people can become skinny even after heavy workouts because it’s not in their nature and their bodies want to be the way they have naturally been programmed. Which is fine. Some people suffering from medical conditions cannot control their weight as much as they’d want to. My respect for your efforts! You understand that movement is not about the body on the outside but about being healthy on the inside. God knows I fall prey to my own deceptions about how my body should look like. I know for sure I never want to be that skinny again. But I also want skinnier legs or a flatt belly (never gonna happen haha). Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don’t. But who cares as long as when I look in the mirror I find the woman I like? Men. They care right? Hmm. I don’t think I remember a man taking me to bed ever worrying about my non-flat belly hahaha. I mean when you’re naked (or at the beach – for some no difference if you’re going nude haha), that’s the time we fear the most, with our bodies submitted to scrutiny. It’s all in the attitude ladies. After all, we’re basically a bit of an animal. We spread the pheromones around and other people pick up on them. If you are too aware of your “defects” they will be more visible to others. Be aware of them, but know they are something that is part of you, not a flaw and people will be blind to them. Instead they will focus on what’s really important. Your beautiful face, your eyes, your attitude, you’re awesome sense of humor.

Well, time to wrap this one up. I hope I made my point. Gym, any form of sports, don’t mean competition. Unless you choose to be in one. You are where you are because you want to improve something about yourself. Not change. Improve. Improving your health, your body, your level of acceptance towards yourself. Self-confidence does everything. And believe me, if I haven’t reiterated this enough, I know just how hard it is to like yourself, especially when perhaps other areas in your life don’t work out either. Problems with your boyfriend, too much stress at work, an argument with a good friend, sick family members, plans that don’t seem to come around the way you have planned them. And then you come home and look in the mirror and think all your dieting and hard work hasn’t gotten you anywhere either. So you take a piece of chocolate (that’s why I never keep sweets at home hahaha). Well, think that if you get a call the following day from your man asking you out to make up, your boss is out on a business trip and your best friend sends you a nice email, that, on top of finding out your keen is feeling much better, suddenly you’ll feel like you’re not as unfit as you thought yesterday. That there is nothing that you can’t go out there and adjust, in your own sweet time. And no regrets over the chocolate ok? When it is needed, it is needed haha.

I hope you guys stay strong and motivated in all your decisions. Know that we all start somewhere and we are all shy about our first attempts to try something new. Going to the gym, jogging and so on. The idea is to start and not let go. Find people who are into it because of the same reasons you are. People who support you, who will be happy for every small achievement. This is not about performance; it is about progress. Stay away from people who try to make you feel like you are not where they are, that somehow they’re doing something better than you. Exchange information because you want to learn something new, not to make comparisons. Don’t be afraid to try new things within the limits of your capability. Do not ignore your body! It’s your best friend and the most intelligent (and cunning!) trainer. Push when you believe you can and don’t let it tell you that pain means to stop. But if you understand your aliments and weaknesses properly, you’ll understand what truly hurts and needs to be readjusted (don’t get stubborn just to prove yourself you can. You’ll only hurt yourself!) and when your body is trying to trick you because you’re stepping outside the comfort zone.

Be who you need to be and look the way you want to look.
Your body. Your rules. Keep them both healthy!


PS: By the way, today is gym day again. Haha I need more cardio in my life and I am not necessarily happy about it. Oh well…

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Counting my Deeds 2014

My Dear People of the Journal,

Well it has been a year since we haven’t spoken. Not really! Haha. La multi ani! Happy New Year, Bonne Anniversaire and Feliz cumpleaƱos (that’s as far as I go! Haha). Wish you all the best for 2015. May it be a year beyond your wildest dreams and most optimistic expectations! In all aspects of your life. Before I start with the nonsense, let me just say, I am grateful to each and every one of you out there who have had the patience and the curiosity to read all these pages for the past year and a half. I can’t believe we have gone so far! I can’t believe I’m almost up to 5,000 views. I’m sorry. I know I keep sounding so amazed at this (it’s almost ridiculous!), but as I have said before, this blog is meant to help me vent and take out some of the stress as I have very little time to indulge in other more time costly hobbies. Never thought someone else would actually be into it. At the end of the day, it’s life in words and I guess it is captivating to a certain extent. Even to me. Especially to me. Yeah. My life is captivating to me because I am still learning about myself. Still finding out things that I have never considered or changing plans and thoughts that have been so deeply routed in my mentality that taking a 360 degrees turn on them seems almost “hallucinatingly” unreal.

I know you don’t understand what the heck I’m rambling about; which brings us to the topic at hand: my deeds for the past year. If not for the sanity of mind, looking back at what I have wanted, what I have done and what I have accomplished each year of my life, surely brings some clarity on my purpose here and what I’m really made for. As long as I know that, then I will be of better use to myself, my family and friends and the world in general.

Nonetheless, I wish I knew what to start with. But I don’t. This year seems to have been a mixture of events, seemingly unrelated to each other when in fact, I think they all came together somehow to bring 2014 to a glorious end and new beginnings in my view over my life and plans for the future. So let’s try to remember how this went about.

The year started off on a good note with Letilica coming over to bless mom and I for the new year. Nothing better than to get the most sweet wishes from the most innocent souls there can be; that of a child so beautiful inside and outside. I’m happy these three are in my life. They are the kind of people who sooth your soul.

Then mom and I went out to Divan, one of my favorite Turkish restaurants to meet Mircea and Carmen to find out the good news of their up-coming baby boy in the oven! And thinking that now he has already been baptized! WOW! That really shows just how fast time flies!!!

Em was still in Brussels at the time and to my joy my good friends Laura and Mariano went there for a visit and the three of them reunited. I was the only one missing. Sad face!

Soon after I bought my ticket to go see Momoa – and we know how that went! It was pretty much the main event of the first part of the year haha. And mom and I attended the Burn’s Supper as usual which brought me a new dress made by skillful Miss. Lili (Love you! Thank you! I love it!)

Mada (that crazy man!!! Haha) sent me a package of game meat to work! Frozen and whatnot but it was adventurous enough thinking it might leak some blood and security would come pick me up for questioning of how and what the hell was in the package. Thankfully it all went down alright and I enjoyed a few good meals from that huge chunk of meat he sent (half of a damn bore!!!).

The hunt for Aquarius men began sometimes in spring haha. Emily and I somehow fell into the trap of horoscope matches (if you’re into that!) and somehow she concluded (and committed to it strongly!) that even though I have three perfect matches, namely other Gemini (I can’t see how in the world that could be a perfect match! I barely stand myself! How can I handle four of us! Haha), Libra (such calm loving people) and Aquarius, of whom she believes (and again – is very adamant about it!) that is ZE ONE perfect match. In short A Man. That’s what we call him. I believe I know one Aquarius but not well enough to make a long lasting impression. So I was a bit into the unknown. Then again, out of all the stuff I read on A men (and believe me – it was quite a bit of a lecture!) I realized they are quite secluded, inner people, highly independent (not that I mind that. We’re surely on the same page with this one!), but can be/more likely seem cold and uncaring because they need a lot of space and away time from you. Now that is the tricky part. To me they seemed rather cold and that’s probably because I am such a highly communicative person and even though I never really talk about my deepest feelings and emotions with anyone haha I do am much more opened with those very (very!) close to me. Which incredibly so, are very (very!) few haha. I think about 3 or 4 fingers would count them all. So how would this work between me and an A man who seems to be so aloof and non-communicative, very to himself, even though he doesn’t mean any harm? Well, I wasn’t convinced about this perfect match, but Emily insisted. And funny enough and soon enough, I was about to find out just how this union works. Yeah.

In March my dear Adinut invited me to the premiere of Closer to the Moon where I lost one of my favorite earrings. Damn it! But that’s not the reason I remember it, but because it was such a fun night despite the cold and rainy weather and I got to meet some very interesting people. More so – because the wheel spins that way in life! – I saw a guy there that looked very much like Oliver Cohen something-something (can’t remember his name!) an actor Emily was very much into and that was a Scorpio (her perfect match! Haha). So I chased the poor guy around, calling Emily, who wasn’t even picking up (as usual!) until eventually I just stopped pretty much in front of the guy and filmed him. And he saw me; probably thinking who is the creepy blonde that’s stalking me! Haha. Oh well. It was definitely an interesting night if we count that detail!

Grandma turned 76 on March 11 and they also celebrated 57 years of marriage together. At which time, of course celebration and cake and flowers were in order. I hold to these memories so dearly.

Moving on through other events and a night out with mom in Lipscani, NGO projects with Mary and the St. Patrick Ball, we get down to one of my favorite men ever. I have two nephews and this is one, Andrei, the big fellow who will turn two this may. I can’t believe it!

And then there is my other favorite little man, Eddy, such a lovable cute darling! Wanna eat him alive! If he actually stayed in one place for me to chew on his plump cheeks!

Annnddd then Mela took the big leap and started wearing glasses. Yeah. I saw it coming since two years ago when we did the yearly check ups at work. And my left eye kept bitching at me and I couldn’t properly distinguish the smaller letters in the chart. Eventually I went to one doctor and she said it’s my right eye. Wait. What? No, it’s my left eye, unless of course, we’re talking about your right eye which is my left eye. Confusing; I wasn’t happy. So, I went to another doctor. Yes, your right eye has a tiny problem. People what’s wrong with you? It is not MY RIGHT eye! It’s my left eye! Pay attention. And she says no, it’s the right one because it’s by-focal and it has difficulty focusing without help and so the left eye is very tired and sore from doing part of the right eye’s work. Ahhhhh…. That makes sense now. So she puts lenses on one eye; not so much of a difference. She puts lenses on the other eye. Hmmm. Nothing there either. Then she puts them both on at the same time… and there was light! Hello stronger colors! Hello little comma to the Q, alright! So that was an E not a B. Right. Got you! So now I’m a -0.5 on the left and +/-0.5 on the right. Because a Gemini has to go all the way and be a duplicate in everything.

Soon enough Easter came along and with it my precious Emily. Such a fun lay back vacation where we went around and enjoyed the city, spent time indoors watching TV series and being dorkish about male character choices haha. Always a fun game to play. As usual, it was too short lived, but at least we had good weather and a good time together. Plus with her having been in Brussels for nine months gave us the advantage of just an hour time difference between us which made communication so much simpler than when she is in the States. So I enjoyed that fully!

And then. Yes, then, Jason Namakeah Momoa came to Bucharest in May. No need to detail on that. We have about ten pages of a blog entry with all the mighty details of the Gemini-Leo encounter. Haha. But, of course, it doesn’t hurt (my eye!) to add his picture here. Yum. Aham. Yum. Yes…..

I wish I looked this good when I actually met the guy haha. But no. The boiled lobster.

No more curls that's for sure. Ah. Who cared?!?! haha

Our dear dear friends Anca and Bernie dropped by for a visit soon after and we had a splendid time at  my grandparents. Miss those days!

And then I cut my hair short haha. And made it chestnut which I later on changed back to blonde. See this is the trick. I wanted a change, but I wasn’t fully convinced of it. I did want shorter hair because blonde had dried it up so badly. But the chestnut color – hm – not so much. So two months later I went back to blonde. That changed after visiting New York and seeing so much chestnut there that I came back and immediately turned brown again and now I fully enjoy it because I know it’s what I want. The mind is a sensitive thingy we can’t mess with. Haha

Some more time spent with mom at the gym or walking in the park, some time with Adinut at the pool and gift shopping for Eileen’s birthday and we are now in July. Yeah. We’re gonna skip the part with my birthday where I turned 32. Feels like 26 (bullshit! I can’t even remember that far back! Haha) Mom and I went to Prislop and then, once back in Bucharest, Jim and I received the awesome visit of his family. It was their first time in the new office and they didn’t miss the chance to snap a picture of Jim and I at work. We look so serious. Haha That’s only because I was forcing him to sign stuff for me. Haha

32 and counting haha

Hmmm. Sad and happy news afterwards. David left Romania because his mandate was over and despite atteding his farewell party with an open heart, I knew I’d miss such a great guy, his enthusiasm and support. Well, he’s only gone close by. In Mexico haha. So now I have to make plans to go visit him and his lovely family there. Then I met with the ten year old gang! Now that was something!

August 5, 2014. This is when the other half of the year, the one half that seems to be the conclusion of all my search and struggle through the first part starts happening. In ways that I had not planned nor expected. Even though by this time I had bought my tickets for the States and plans were pretty much settled, I was still looking for ways to make some of my more official business plans happen while in the US. Unfortunately that wasn’t going very well. So I had somewhat given up on the idea, thinking that I was going to go there just to see friends and attend James’ wedding. Simply have fun. But not all is as it seems. Or as they say “socoteala de acasa nu se potriveste mereu cu aia de la targ” (“calculations made at home may not always match the costs at the market”). It started on July 31st, when one of my friends introduced me to my Knight. And I ignored him (oops! Scratch that haha!). On August 5 she reminded me of him again and more so to please her, I was like fine, I’ll take a better look haha. Well, I took such a profound look, that I got stuck in there haha. And from that date on, in less than a week, my plans changed drastically as if all the planets had universally aligned to fuck with me. In a good way. Suddenly, Emily can’t make it to Boston anymore, suddenly I have business opportunities coming out of no where in Houston (Emily being an hour and a half away from Houston!), suddenly I have a man waiting there for me. In like three days. Wait. Hold on. What?!?! Fine. I’ll do it. So I changed my entire trip to make it to Houston and it was all done for and scheduled in the following two weeks. Where the heck did this all come from?

This was pretty much taken at the time Knight and I got together
Packing for the States. Right. That was a challenge!

And the entire story behind knowing, meeting and being with my Knight is worth while a Hollywood script for a short movie. Unfortunately for you (and I only say it because it’s really an unbelievablyIbeautiful story!) I’ll keep it to myself because it’s so close to my heart that it’s too intimate to share. Because of its powerful meaning; it just means so much to me. Regardless, as things progressed towards my imminent trip to the States, I find (HAHA!) my Knight is an Aquarius. Well, crap! Haha Now some things made sense. Our incredible connection right from the beginning, thinking and feeling the same things almost at the same time. It was annoyingly scary at times haha. But new and exciting, like never before. I concluded before I even came close to knowing him better that this guy is definitely a sample of something I have never had before. The sample closest to what I’d describe as the “perfect” man for me. Not perfect horoscope match. We very well know that is a general description, so many more other things can make things go wrong or right. So yeah. Here it is, I’ve said it and it is as true as it comes. He is that for me, if not for the way he behaves with me, talk to me and acts when around me, then for the incredibly mental connection we have and that I have never experienced before at this level. So the one time (and last time haha) divorced 32 year old was in love. I’m trying to choose between crap and shit. I’m gonna go for hell! Haha It was the most beautiful, hurtful, hopeful, sincere, astonishing feeling I’ve experienced in a very long while. And it caught me by surprise. So I can do this, you know, this falling in love thing. I can still do it. With all my heart and open arms, and especially with such trust and hope. I don’t regret a minute of it. It shows I’m not turning into an emotional rock, that this girl still has it in her to feel like a blossoming flower despite of not being 22 anymore. It’s at times like these when you learn about yourself. That perhaps you have been strong enough, against all odds and suffering and harsh times, to have glued yourself back properly and solidly enough to make it through the roller coaster of love again. Of strong feelings, those that trash you around with emotions of a thousand colors, the kind that hits you in the face with a rainbow of pleasure, and hurt and mistrust and hope, all at once and you just love it. Like a sadomasochist. Haha.

How did this happen? Very fast. Haha How did I know? Well this is the fun part. See, I perceive everything mentally first and then emotionally. If you can’t connect with my mind you won’t go far beyond that. At some point in our relationship I thought I lost him to a situation I did understand and it hurt me so badly, so immediately that I knew it must’ve been some sort of deeper care, some sort of incipient love that kept me from leaving and more importantly, that hurt me so deeply. I am too logical to hurt so instantly. I always have my mental shield to protect me and even if I take a blow I get up very fast and dissect the situation and then conclude whether it’s worth while hurting for or not. But this is in general. With those whom I really care for and love, I have no shields. You just hit me and I fall to my knees like a stricken fly. It takes about 32 years of life (in my case haha) to know yourself enough to recognize the signs and not fool yourself over excuses and useless explanations. It’s not easy to realize you actually give a shit more than you initially thought at a time when you believe you’ve lost the very reason of your affection. But that’s how it happened and that’s how I knew. Yeah. The times when I was simply infatuated and sort of confused feelings, are gone. So long gone. Now – and it’s rather unfortunate and sad, ‘cause it turns me a bit into a very logical machine – I know exactly when and why I’m doing something or relating myself with someone. I am very conscious and responsible of my own choices and decisions even in romance. So I appreciated very much the surprise of being out of control and being plainly run over with feelings. Makes me feel alive. And it shows me the man is worth while going after.

Eventually, I didn’t lose him. I don’t think I ever did, but it was a waking up call as to where my heart was going to. But let me just conclude by saying this was one of the most beautiful parts of 2014. To live this kind of feeling again. I had missed it. Whether it’s going to last or not, due to the distance between us and the many other things that can come in between, one thing stays for sure. This man proved to me that what I am looking for in a man is not impossible to find, just very rare. This connection will never go away so perhaps Em was right and A Men – at least this one – can be a perfect match in whatever that means. And yes, I was right too. He is very independent, he is such a silent man and needs his time off to deal with things, something I have dealt with – as predicted – quite badly, but I got used to it eventually once I understood what this time off is about. That it is not a break from us, it is not a negative thing, it’s just his way of doing things in life. Just like I do my things in life. On Christmas day he told me when we met I scared him. Haha. What else new is there? The funny part was, that for once, I did not scare a man as in  “emasculating” him (as I often was described because of my straight forward and “bitchy” attitude). No, he got scared because, and I quote, I am “way too nice and innocent.” I don’t think anyone has called me innocent in a long while haha. Even though in my feelings for him I have surely been that way. If not sincere. But somehow this didn’t surprise. If anything, it only answered some of my silent questions, as to why he has always behaved with me as if I was a precious China doll and would break if he touched me any harder. And again, it didn’t surprise me once it came from a man who a month after being together figured out that a conflict with me can be easily solved with a hug and a kiss. Something some men in my life never figured out in years. I admit, it takes courage to hug me when I’m nervous haha. I don’t look like a cute bunny asking for cuddles. More like the bunny from hell spitting fire from my eyes. I can be scary if I want to or if you get me there. But it lasts for so little and it’s so superficial. If only they cared to look. I’m happy he did.

I was a sneaky bastard I have to admit. I kept snatching pictures of him whenever I could. I guess this is my way to let him know I am a stalker. haha Good part is, he knows he's safe with me.
Oh well, I thought I was concluding this when in fact I went deeper into the subject. Haha. Either way. My trip to the States, was by all means, the best trip ever. Because of him, because of my friends, because of me being who I am and making the world around me seem a better place and a happier place to be in. My only loss during that time is not meeting with Em. A little while before going there we had an argument. A stupid situation that exploded from a misunderstanding. Distance can do that, as well as emails and chat. That’s why I love face to face encounters. They’re not as simple as when hiding before a computer screen, but surely solve and clarify stuff much faster. We would have perhaps moved over it much faster, as we have done before, but it happened at a time when I was most happy and most unhappy at the same time and she came as the cherry on the cake so I shut down to be able to hold it together and not jeopardize our entire friendship on an impulsive decision that I know I can take when I am rammed into the wall. So I went silent for the longest time we have ever gone separated for. Which has never happened. Almost three months. It was a hard time for her as she also has her own issues to work on and deal with. It was a sad time for me being in the  States, so close to her and not seeing her. But I couldn’t. I could not find the strength to face her and all that was happening to me at the same time. Situations don’t dry me up of energy, because I use my mind to solve them. But people bleed me dry of my emotions and inner energy. To handle one argument with a friend, I squeeze the life out of me for a week. And being in the States, discovering this wonderful man, handling my business, fearing every single given day that grandpa would not survive my 8 days in the States and that I wouldn’t be there to see him one last time, choke me in ways I have not been choked in more than a decade. So I gave myself that time where I can take one thing at a time so when I did decide to go back to her, we could get back on track as we were. But that time got longer and longer as when I got back grandpa got worse, my plans got boosted up, work was pretty heavy and with Jim’s 60th anniversary coming up, I had my hand more than full. Eventually she wrote to me, a heartfelt email, like she alone can write. Very clear and to the point as to where she was standing. I wrote back but I never sent it. Because I had had enough of misunderstandings via email. So I called her and an hour of cries and sobbing later, we were who we have always been for the past three years: best friends and soulmate sisters with a future to face together. And I learnt that no matter how deep I go down in my pain world with stress and anxiety over unaccomplished plans or dreams, some things never drown with me. They just float randomly, waiting for me to resurface and take care of them again. And she is one of those people in my life that I will always find my way back to, one way or another. Love and support.

And here we are. January 1st, 2015. My grandpa is still alive. And his pain numbs my soul and his courage facing this vicious disease humbles me in ways I cannot even fully acknowledge. What a brave deep soul whom even though I want here with me for as long as possible, I wish him less sufferance because he truly is in pain and if that means letting go, then perhaps that’s what’s best. And I never thought I’d come to say it. On Christmas I had to give him an emergency shot of pain killers to put him at ease because mom was not home. I have done this before but it has never affected me this much. I got sick afterwards to my stomach and couldn’t eat all day. He’s so tiny and skinny and fragile now that approaching him with a needle makes me feel like I was hurting him. But he’s still here and I will appreciate that and rejoice it. Grandma is fine within the limits of grandpa’s happiness and lucidity. The thought of her being left alone after almost 58 years of marriage scares me. I cannot imagine what it does to her. My mom is braver every day. Seeing her father like this has kneeled even this mighty warrior and sometimes I feel powerless in helping her cope with it.

All in all, this was a year of love. Got closer to old friends, made new friendships, discovered I was considered a loved and valuable friend for others. Found a man to show me I’m not looking for a “perfection” that doesn’t exist and learnt that my dedication, hard work and love for people in general comes with many rewards, even through sometimes I forget to take some time off and care for them from afar so I have a bit of time to look after myself. Perhaps this is why I am so grateful; I have a hand full of people who do that for me.

I don’t know what 2015 will be about. Plans are shifting in my head. A life time of plans, which is highly unusual and new to me. It’s like I am slowly reinventing myself onto a new path, thinking I should try new options with a lighter heart and more optimistic approach than I have done before. I am changing; I’m not sure into what yet. It’s good though. It’s calmer, it’s better, it’s a well grounded change that comes as consequence to the past years, my struggle and understanding of my life and goals. So we will see where this takes me.

Meanwhile, let’s take things one step at a time, live life as it comes, laugh when we need to laugh, hurt when we need to hurt, love when we need to love and care when we need to care. Don’t be afraid to be who you need to be when the time comes. Don’t run away from beautiful emotions and don’t crawl under a mask when it’s time to cry. Even pain serves its purpose.

Have a great lazy – what is today? Crap this is what happens when I’m not at work! I forget days and dates and whatnot. Lemme check. Ok. Have a great lazy Thursday! There we go! For those less fortunate haha, I’ll see you back at work on Monday!

Until then, hurray 2015!
Signed: Mela

Yes, this is me righ now, fresh on January 1st, 2015 having tea and blowing my nose with the damn cold. Hiding in the kitchen to write because it's so silent here. in my PJs. Best outfit ever!