Thursday, January 1, 2015

Counting my Deeds 2014

My Dear People of the Journal,

Well it has been a year since we haven’t spoken. Not really! Haha. La multi ani! Happy New Year, Bonne Anniversaire and Feliz cumpleaños (that’s as far as I go! Haha). Wish you all the best for 2015. May it be a year beyond your wildest dreams and most optimistic expectations! In all aspects of your life. Before I start with the nonsense, let me just say, I am grateful to each and every one of you out there who have had the patience and the curiosity to read all these pages for the past year and a half. I can’t believe we have gone so far! I can’t believe I’m almost up to 5,000 views. I’m sorry. I know I keep sounding so amazed at this (it’s almost ridiculous!), but as I have said before, this blog is meant to help me vent and take out some of the stress as I have very little time to indulge in other more time costly hobbies. Never thought someone else would actually be into it. At the end of the day, it’s life in words and I guess it is captivating to a certain extent. Even to me. Especially to me. Yeah. My life is captivating to me because I am still learning about myself. Still finding out things that I have never considered or changing plans and thoughts that have been so deeply routed in my mentality that taking a 360 degrees turn on them seems almost “hallucinatingly” unreal.

I know you don’t understand what the heck I’m rambling about; which brings us to the topic at hand: my deeds for the past year. If not for the sanity of mind, looking back at what I have wanted, what I have done and what I have accomplished each year of my life, surely brings some clarity on my purpose here and what I’m really made for. As long as I know that, then I will be of better use to myself, my family and friends and the world in general.

Nonetheless, I wish I knew what to start with. But I don’t. This year seems to have been a mixture of events, seemingly unrelated to each other when in fact, I think they all came together somehow to bring 2014 to a glorious end and new beginnings in my view over my life and plans for the future. So let’s try to remember how this went about.

The year started off on a good note with Letilica coming over to bless mom and I for the new year. Nothing better than to get the most sweet wishes from the most innocent souls there can be; that of a child so beautiful inside and outside. I’m happy these three are in my life. They are the kind of people who sooth your soul.

Then mom and I went out to Divan, one of my favorite Turkish restaurants to meet Mircea and Carmen to find out the good news of their up-coming baby boy in the oven! And thinking that now he has already been baptized! WOW! That really shows just how fast time flies!!!

Em was still in Brussels at the time and to my joy my good friends Laura and Mariano went there for a visit and the three of them reunited. I was the only one missing. Sad face!

Soon after I bought my ticket to go see Momoa – and we know how that went! It was pretty much the main event of the first part of the year haha. And mom and I attended the Burn’s Supper as usual which brought me a new dress made by skillful Miss. Lili (Love you! Thank you! I love it!)

Mada (that crazy man!!! Haha) sent me a package of game meat to work! Frozen and whatnot but it was adventurous enough thinking it might leak some blood and security would come pick me up for questioning of how and what the hell was in the package. Thankfully it all went down alright and I enjoyed a few good meals from that huge chunk of meat he sent (half of a damn bore!!!).

The hunt for Aquarius men began sometimes in spring haha. Emily and I somehow fell into the trap of horoscope matches (if you’re into that!) and somehow she concluded (and committed to it strongly!) that even though I have three perfect matches, namely other Gemini (I can’t see how in the world that could be a perfect match! I barely stand myself! How can I handle four of us! Haha), Libra (such calm loving people) and Aquarius, of whom she believes (and again – is very adamant about it!) that is ZE ONE perfect match. In short A Man. That’s what we call him. I believe I know one Aquarius but not well enough to make a long lasting impression. So I was a bit into the unknown. Then again, out of all the stuff I read on A men (and believe me – it was quite a bit of a lecture!) I realized they are quite secluded, inner people, highly independent (not that I mind that. We’re surely on the same page with this one!), but can be/more likely seem cold and uncaring because they need a lot of space and away time from you. Now that is the tricky part. To me they seemed rather cold and that’s probably because I am such a highly communicative person and even though I never really talk about my deepest feelings and emotions with anyone haha I do am much more opened with those very (very!) close to me. Which incredibly so, are very (very!) few haha. I think about 3 or 4 fingers would count them all. So how would this work between me and an A man who seems to be so aloof and non-communicative, very to himself, even though he doesn’t mean any harm? Well, I wasn’t convinced about this perfect match, but Emily insisted. And funny enough and soon enough, I was about to find out just how this union works. Yeah.

In March my dear Adinut invited me to the premiere of Closer to the Moon where I lost one of my favorite earrings. Damn it! But that’s not the reason I remember it, but because it was such a fun night despite the cold and rainy weather and I got to meet some very interesting people. More so – because the wheel spins that way in life! – I saw a guy there that looked very much like Oliver Cohen something-something (can’t remember his name!) an actor Emily was very much into and that was a Scorpio (her perfect match! Haha). So I chased the poor guy around, calling Emily, who wasn’t even picking up (as usual!) until eventually I just stopped pretty much in front of the guy and filmed him. And he saw me; probably thinking who is the creepy blonde that’s stalking me! Haha. Oh well. It was definitely an interesting night if we count that detail!

Grandma turned 76 on March 11 and they also celebrated 57 years of marriage together. At which time, of course celebration and cake and flowers were in order. I hold to these memories so dearly.

Moving on through other events and a night out with mom in Lipscani, NGO projects with Mary and the St. Patrick Ball, we get down to one of my favorite men ever. I have two nephews and this is one, Andrei, the big fellow who will turn two this may. I can’t believe it!

And then there is my other favorite little man, Eddy, such a lovable cute darling! Wanna eat him alive! If he actually stayed in one place for me to chew on his plump cheeks!

Annnddd then Mela took the big leap and started wearing glasses. Yeah. I saw it coming since two years ago when we did the yearly check ups at work. And my left eye kept bitching at me and I couldn’t properly distinguish the smaller letters in the chart. Eventually I went to one doctor and she said it’s my right eye. Wait. What? No, it’s my left eye, unless of course, we’re talking about your right eye which is my left eye. Confusing; I wasn’t happy. So, I went to another doctor. Yes, your right eye has a tiny problem. People what’s wrong with you? It is not MY RIGHT eye! It’s my left eye! Pay attention. And she says no, it’s the right one because it’s by-focal and it has difficulty focusing without help and so the left eye is very tired and sore from doing part of the right eye’s work. Ahhhhh…. That makes sense now. So she puts lenses on one eye; not so much of a difference. She puts lenses on the other eye. Hmmm. Nothing there either. Then she puts them both on at the same time… and there was light! Hello stronger colors! Hello little comma to the Q, alright! So that was an E not a B. Right. Got you! So now I’m a -0.5 on the left and +/-0.5 on the right. Because a Gemini has to go all the way and be a duplicate in everything.

Soon enough Easter came along and with it my precious Emily. Such a fun lay back vacation where we went around and enjoyed the city, spent time indoors watching TV series and being dorkish about male character choices haha. Always a fun game to play. As usual, it was too short lived, but at least we had good weather and a good time together. Plus with her having been in Brussels for nine months gave us the advantage of just an hour time difference between us which made communication so much simpler than when she is in the States. So I enjoyed that fully!

And then. Yes, then, Jason Namakeah Momoa came to Bucharest in May. No need to detail on that. We have about ten pages of a blog entry with all the mighty details of the Gemini-Leo encounter. Haha. But, of course, it doesn’t hurt (my eye!) to add his picture here. Yum. Aham. Yum. Yes…..

I wish I looked this good when I actually met the guy haha. But no. The boiled lobster.

No more curls that's for sure. Ah. Who cared?!?! haha

Our dear dear friends Anca and Bernie dropped by for a visit soon after and we had a splendid time at  my grandparents. Miss those days!

And then I cut my hair short haha. And made it chestnut which I later on changed back to blonde. See this is the trick. I wanted a change, but I wasn’t fully convinced of it. I did want shorter hair because blonde had dried it up so badly. But the chestnut color – hm – not so much. So two months later I went back to blonde. That changed after visiting New York and seeing so much chestnut there that I came back and immediately turned brown again and now I fully enjoy it because I know it’s what I want. The mind is a sensitive thingy we can’t mess with. Haha

Some more time spent with mom at the gym or walking in the park, some time with Adinut at the pool and gift shopping for Eileen’s birthday and we are now in July. Yeah. We’re gonna skip the part with my birthday where I turned 32. Feels like 26 (bullshit! I can’t even remember that far back! Haha) Mom and I went to Prislop and then, once back in Bucharest, Jim and I received the awesome visit of his family. It was their first time in the new office and they didn’t miss the chance to snap a picture of Jim and I at work. We look so serious. Haha That’s only because I was forcing him to sign stuff for me. Haha

32 and counting haha

Hmmm. Sad and happy news afterwards. David left Romania because his mandate was over and despite atteding his farewell party with an open heart, I knew I’d miss such a great guy, his enthusiasm and support. Well, he’s only gone close by. In Mexico haha. So now I have to make plans to go visit him and his lovely family there. Then I met with the ten year old gang! Now that was something!

August 5, 2014. This is when the other half of the year, the one half that seems to be the conclusion of all my search and struggle through the first part starts happening. In ways that I had not planned nor expected. Even though by this time I had bought my tickets for the States and plans were pretty much settled, I was still looking for ways to make some of my more official business plans happen while in the US. Unfortunately that wasn’t going very well. So I had somewhat given up on the idea, thinking that I was going to go there just to see friends and attend James’ wedding. Simply have fun. But not all is as it seems. Or as they say “socoteala de acasa nu se potriveste mereu cu aia de la targ” (“calculations made at home may not always match the costs at the market”). It started on July 31st, when one of my friends introduced me to my Knight. And I ignored him (oops! Scratch that haha!). On August 5 she reminded me of him again and more so to please her, I was like fine, I’ll take a better look haha. Well, I took such a profound look, that I got stuck in there haha. And from that date on, in less than a week, my plans changed drastically as if all the planets had universally aligned to fuck with me. In a good way. Suddenly, Emily can’t make it to Boston anymore, suddenly I have business opportunities coming out of no where in Houston (Emily being an hour and a half away from Houston!), suddenly I have a man waiting there for me. In like three days. Wait. Hold on. What?!?! Fine. I’ll do it. So I changed my entire trip to make it to Houston and it was all done for and scheduled in the following two weeks. Where the heck did this all come from?

This was pretty much taken at the time Knight and I got together
Packing for the States. Right. That was a challenge!

And the entire story behind knowing, meeting and being with my Knight is worth while a Hollywood script for a short movie. Unfortunately for you (and I only say it because it’s really an unbelievablyIbeautiful story!) I’ll keep it to myself because it’s so close to my heart that it’s too intimate to share. Because of its powerful meaning; it just means so much to me. Regardless, as things progressed towards my imminent trip to the States, I find (HAHA!) my Knight is an Aquarius. Well, crap! Haha Now some things made sense. Our incredible connection right from the beginning, thinking and feeling the same things almost at the same time. It was annoyingly scary at times haha. But new and exciting, like never before. I concluded before I even came close to knowing him better that this guy is definitely a sample of something I have never had before. The sample closest to what I’d describe as the “perfect” man for me. Not perfect horoscope match. We very well know that is a general description, so many more other things can make things go wrong or right. So yeah. Here it is, I’ve said it and it is as true as it comes. He is that for me, if not for the way he behaves with me, talk to me and acts when around me, then for the incredibly mental connection we have and that I have never experienced before at this level. So the one time (and last time haha) divorced 32 year old was in love. I’m trying to choose between crap and shit. I’m gonna go for hell! Haha It was the most beautiful, hurtful, hopeful, sincere, astonishing feeling I’ve experienced in a very long while. And it caught me by surprise. So I can do this, you know, this falling in love thing. I can still do it. With all my heart and open arms, and especially with such trust and hope. I don’t regret a minute of it. It shows I’m not turning into an emotional rock, that this girl still has it in her to feel like a blossoming flower despite of not being 22 anymore. It’s at times like these when you learn about yourself. That perhaps you have been strong enough, against all odds and suffering and harsh times, to have glued yourself back properly and solidly enough to make it through the roller coaster of love again. Of strong feelings, those that trash you around with emotions of a thousand colors, the kind that hits you in the face with a rainbow of pleasure, and hurt and mistrust and hope, all at once and you just love it. Like a sadomasochist. Haha.

How did this happen? Very fast. Haha How did I know? Well this is the fun part. See, I perceive everything mentally first and then emotionally. If you can’t connect with my mind you won’t go far beyond that. At some point in our relationship I thought I lost him to a situation I did understand and it hurt me so badly, so immediately that I knew it must’ve been some sort of deeper care, some sort of incipient love that kept me from leaving and more importantly, that hurt me so deeply. I am too logical to hurt so instantly. I always have my mental shield to protect me and even if I take a blow I get up very fast and dissect the situation and then conclude whether it’s worth while hurting for or not. But this is in general. With those whom I really care for and love, I have no shields. You just hit me and I fall to my knees like a stricken fly. It takes about 32 years of life (in my case haha) to know yourself enough to recognize the signs and not fool yourself over excuses and useless explanations. It’s not easy to realize you actually give a shit more than you initially thought at a time when you believe you’ve lost the very reason of your affection. But that’s how it happened and that’s how I knew. Yeah. The times when I was simply infatuated and sort of confused feelings, are gone. So long gone. Now – and it’s rather unfortunate and sad, ‘cause it turns me a bit into a very logical machine – I know exactly when and why I’m doing something or relating myself with someone. I am very conscious and responsible of my own choices and decisions even in romance. So I appreciated very much the surprise of being out of control and being plainly run over with feelings. Makes me feel alive. And it shows me the man is worth while going after.

Eventually, I didn’t lose him. I don’t think I ever did, but it was a waking up call as to where my heart was going to. But let me just conclude by saying this was one of the most beautiful parts of 2014. To live this kind of feeling again. I had missed it. Whether it’s going to last or not, due to the distance between us and the many other things that can come in between, one thing stays for sure. This man proved to me that what I am looking for in a man is not impossible to find, just very rare. This connection will never go away so perhaps Em was right and A Men – at least this one – can be a perfect match in whatever that means. And yes, I was right too. He is very independent, he is such a silent man and needs his time off to deal with things, something I have dealt with – as predicted – quite badly, but I got used to it eventually once I understood what this time off is about. That it is not a break from us, it is not a negative thing, it’s just his way of doing things in life. Just like I do my things in life. On Christmas day he told me when we met I scared him. Haha. What else new is there? The funny part was, that for once, I did not scare a man as in  “emasculating” him (as I often was described because of my straight forward and “bitchy” attitude). No, he got scared because, and I quote, I am “way too nice and innocent.” I don’t think anyone has called me innocent in a long while haha. Even though in my feelings for him I have surely been that way. If not sincere. But somehow this didn’t surprise. If anything, it only answered some of my silent questions, as to why he has always behaved with me as if I was a precious China doll and would break if he touched me any harder. And again, it didn’t surprise me once it came from a man who a month after being together figured out that a conflict with me can be easily solved with a hug and a kiss. Something some men in my life never figured out in years. I admit, it takes courage to hug me when I’m nervous haha. I don’t look like a cute bunny asking for cuddles. More like the bunny from hell spitting fire from my eyes. I can be scary if I want to or if you get me there. But it lasts for so little and it’s so superficial. If only they cared to look. I’m happy he did.

I was a sneaky bastard I have to admit. I kept snatching pictures of him whenever I could. I guess this is my way to let him know I am a stalker. haha Good part is, he knows he's safe with me.
Oh well, I thought I was concluding this when in fact I went deeper into the subject. Haha. Either way. My trip to the States, was by all means, the best trip ever. Because of him, because of my friends, because of me being who I am and making the world around me seem a better place and a happier place to be in. My only loss during that time is not meeting with Em. A little while before going there we had an argument. A stupid situation that exploded from a misunderstanding. Distance can do that, as well as emails and chat. That’s why I love face to face encounters. They’re not as simple as when hiding before a computer screen, but surely solve and clarify stuff much faster. We would have perhaps moved over it much faster, as we have done before, but it happened at a time when I was most happy and most unhappy at the same time and she came as the cherry on the cake so I shut down to be able to hold it together and not jeopardize our entire friendship on an impulsive decision that I know I can take when I am rammed into the wall. So I went silent for the longest time we have ever gone separated for. Which has never happened. Almost three months. It was a hard time for her as she also has her own issues to work on and deal with. It was a sad time for me being in the  States, so close to her and not seeing her. But I couldn’t. I could not find the strength to face her and all that was happening to me at the same time. Situations don’t dry me up of energy, because I use my mind to solve them. But people bleed me dry of my emotions and inner energy. To handle one argument with a friend, I squeeze the life out of me for a week. And being in the States, discovering this wonderful man, handling my business, fearing every single given day that grandpa would not survive my 8 days in the States and that I wouldn’t be there to see him one last time, choke me in ways I have not been choked in more than a decade. So I gave myself that time where I can take one thing at a time so when I did decide to go back to her, we could get back on track as we were. But that time got longer and longer as when I got back grandpa got worse, my plans got boosted up, work was pretty heavy and with Jim’s 60th anniversary coming up, I had my hand more than full. Eventually she wrote to me, a heartfelt email, like she alone can write. Very clear and to the point as to where she was standing. I wrote back but I never sent it. Because I had had enough of misunderstandings via email. So I called her and an hour of cries and sobbing later, we were who we have always been for the past three years: best friends and soulmate sisters with a future to face together. And I learnt that no matter how deep I go down in my pain world with stress and anxiety over unaccomplished plans or dreams, some things never drown with me. They just float randomly, waiting for me to resurface and take care of them again. And she is one of those people in my life that I will always find my way back to, one way or another. Love and support.

And here we are. January 1st, 2015. My grandpa is still alive. And his pain numbs my soul and his courage facing this vicious disease humbles me in ways I cannot even fully acknowledge. What a brave deep soul whom even though I want here with me for as long as possible, I wish him less sufferance because he truly is in pain and if that means letting go, then perhaps that’s what’s best. And I never thought I’d come to say it. On Christmas I had to give him an emergency shot of pain killers to put him at ease because mom was not home. I have done this before but it has never affected me this much. I got sick afterwards to my stomach and couldn’t eat all day. He’s so tiny and skinny and fragile now that approaching him with a needle makes me feel like I was hurting him. But he’s still here and I will appreciate that and rejoice it. Grandma is fine within the limits of grandpa’s happiness and lucidity. The thought of her being left alone after almost 58 years of marriage scares me. I cannot imagine what it does to her. My mom is braver every day. Seeing her father like this has kneeled even this mighty warrior and sometimes I feel powerless in helping her cope with it.

All in all, this was a year of love. Got closer to old friends, made new friendships, discovered I was considered a loved and valuable friend for others. Found a man to show me I’m not looking for a “perfection” that doesn’t exist and learnt that my dedication, hard work and love for people in general comes with many rewards, even through sometimes I forget to take some time off and care for them from afar so I have a bit of time to look after myself. Perhaps this is why I am so grateful; I have a hand full of people who do that for me.

I don’t know what 2015 will be about. Plans are shifting in my head. A life time of plans, which is highly unusual and new to me. It’s like I am slowly reinventing myself onto a new path, thinking I should try new options with a lighter heart and more optimistic approach than I have done before. I am changing; I’m not sure into what yet. It’s good though. It’s calmer, it’s better, it’s a well grounded change that comes as consequence to the past years, my struggle and understanding of my life and goals. So we will see where this takes me.

Meanwhile, let’s take things one step at a time, live life as it comes, laugh when we need to laugh, hurt when we need to hurt, love when we need to love and care when we need to care. Don’t be afraid to be who you need to be when the time comes. Don’t run away from beautiful emotions and don’t crawl under a mask when it’s time to cry. Even pain serves its purpose.

Have a great lazy – what is today? Crap this is what happens when I’m not at work! I forget days and dates and whatnot. Lemme check. Ok. Have a great lazy Thursday! There we go! For those less fortunate haha, I’ll see you back at work on Monday!

Until then, hurray 2015!
Signed: Mela

Yes, this is me righ now, fresh on January 1st, 2015 having tea and blowing my nose with the damn cold. Hiding in the kitchen to write because it's so silent here. in my PJs. Best outfit ever!

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