Un Hook Up de Lipeala

Tocmai ce vorbeam de dimineata cu o prietena un pic exasperata ca o alta prietena tot a incercat sa o cupleze si cumva s-a lasat dusa de val, ba chiar incepuse sa ii placa de tip. Ca de fapt sa recidiveze intr-o chestie liceana de prost gust dintr-o lipsa de comunicare. Si acum era iar in coltul ei, intrebandu-se de ce a facut ea chestia asta. Ce, ea nu poate sa isi gaseasca singura pe unul? Adica sa il “miroase” ea, sa il cunoasca si abordeze ea in stilul ei? Cata disperare sau singuratate sa fie la mijloc sa accepti “oferte” third party doar ca sa fi cu cineva. Fata, divortata de un an aproape, timp in care de abia ce isi pune in ordine viata.

N-am inteles niciodata exact de ce lumea vrea sa te “lipeasca” cand esti singur. Numai stati sa lamurim partea cu “singur”. Cand eram singura inainte de maritis, nu interesa pe nimeni de ce n-am prieten. Nu se gasea nici un cunoscut sa zica, “ba’ Mela da’ nu esti si tu cu nimeni?” In cel mai bun caz ma intreba daca imi place de vreunul anume doar pentru ca ajungeam dintr-un motiv sau altul sa petrec mai mult timp cu respectivul sau eram intrebata direct de un individ care dorea sa intre pe linie. In rest, nu se gudura nimeni pe langa mine apasati de greutatea singuratatii mele.

Dar daca esti singur dupa un divort sau ceva de genul, asa dintr-un motiv mai “catastrofal” din punct de vedere social, se schimba placa si mereu sa gaseste vreo ruda sau vreun prieten care sa te puna pe felie cu careva.

Si nu e de acum treaba asta. E demult. Au incercat asta si cu mama. Dar mama, femeie hotarata, cu copil acasa, nu se baga in seama cu vreunul decat daca subnumita la o varsta matura de cam 4 ani nu isi dadea acordul. Ati crede ca de aia a ramas mama singura, ca eu copil mofturos n-am ales nici unul. N-are a face. Am ales pe unul pe care l-am si renegat la primele semne de neseriozitate (desi mi-a luat ceva ani). Si n-a mers nici cu mita sa stiti. Desi, de luat, luam ciocolata dar, cam atat. Aveam un sistem relativ comunist de abordare a situatiei haha.

Eh, la mine la fel. Dupa cum spuneam, cand eram singura n-am vazut pe careva sa se grabeasca sa ma combine. Mama era singura care, din cand in cand si din motive sanatoase, ma mai intreba ce am de gand cu viata mea, mai ales cand fostii colegi, prieteni de o varsta cu mine se casatoreau la un moment dat pe capete. Dupa ce-am divortat s-au inversat polii Pamantului (am detaliat eu pe tema asta "dramatica" intr-o alta postare, aici: The Stigma). Mai in gluma, mai in serios, nici nu trecusera 2 luni si “hai ma sa iti fac cunostinta cu cineva, super baiat!”

Sa ne intelegem. Treaba asta cu divortul nu e o chestie usoara in more ways than one. Dar nici nu e capat de lume. Nu devenim brusc mai inapti in a ne face o relatie. Ah, ca suflam acum si in inghetata, da, poate, o perioada. Ca ni se mai schimba niste standarde, ca mai polisham vreo doua chestii si avem niste pretentii ca doar nu vrem sa trecem de doua ori prin aceesi problema, da. Dar asta nu inseamna ca suntem loviti in aripa si avem nevoie de ajutor.

Zic expertii ca divortul poate fi la fel de dureros ca si moartea cuiva drag din punct de vedere emotional. Si atunci de ce ti-ai indemna prietenii in cauza sa treaca repede la un mood de lipeala dupa o asa experienta? Ala e momentul cand vrei sa nu auzi dracu’ de nici un barbat si de nimic. Sa stai pe treaba ta, sa lingi o rana, sa scoti niste nervi, sa te bati cu pumnul in piept, sa iti iei viata iar in maini, sa schimbi macazul. Da, sunt si oameni care scapati dintr-o casnicie sunt ca baiatul ala Scratt din Ice Age care vede ghinde peste tot. Brusc orizontul s-a largit, gardurile au disparut si hai cu degustatul. Si aia tot o refulare este. Dar de un alt fel. Pe astia nici nu trebuie sa ii ajute nimeni. Se ajuta singuri haha.

Mai sunt si cazuri norocoase cum am patit eu cu omul cu care am stat dupa, a fost ca tratamentul pe rana. Calm, pe treaba lui, fara intrebari, fara exagerari dramatice. Ne-am fost de ajutor unul altuia pentru cat a durat. Foarte frumos si pe de alta parte inca o lectie in viata. Nu toate relatiile sunt facute sa dureze. Unele au un scop, atunci, pe moment.

Barbatii isi gasesc mai usor prietena, sotie, “refulari” dupa divort decat femeile. As fi de accord in mare parte cu chestia asta. Noi ne revenim mai greu emotional. Dar tot nu am nevoie de sustinere sa imi gasesc un barbat. Fundamental, ce am vrut la 18 ani vreau si acum de la o relatie. Tot brunetei cu ochi verzi. Haha. Glumesc (desi sincer nu stiu cat m-as vedea cu un blond; poate doar Brad Pitt, cand era mai tanar, varianta Ahiliana din Troia. Yum!) Doar ca acum, nu mai am rabdare sa tot incerc doar de dragul de a fi cu unul. “Pai ca Mela ala te place!” bravo lui, sanatate curata. Daca mie nu mi se nazare a fi ceva care sa merite macar incercarea, n-are rost mai, n-are rost. E ca mersul la cumparaturi: ma uit la 5 perechi de blugi dar chiar numai pe aia care sunt cei mai cei ii probez. Nu stau sa intru in cabina, da jos toala, mascaradeaza-te in oglinda, pune toala. Nu mai am timp si nervi sa trec prin atatea tatonari. Aleg unu si gata, chiar daca il aleg odata la 1 an jumate. Da’ e recolta proprie si ma spal eu cu el pe cap, ca doar mi l-am ales singura, nu sa mai aud “ba’, pacat. Eu va vedeam impreuna. Da’ lasa ca sigur gasim altceva.”…………………………….

Deci dragilor, toti prietenii mei care sunteti si va stiti, va iubesc. Pana la urma dorinta celor apropiati de a ne vedea cu cineva care sa ne scoata “din transa” vine din grija pe care ne-o poarta. Dar sunt atatea valeitati emotionale la cum se simte cineva care trece printr-o chestie de genul asta, ca daca n-ai trait-o, nu prea ai cum sa o explici si nu intotdeauna reactionam bine cand ni se ofera “ajutor.” Asa ca daca mai dati de cate un “separat”/“divortat” mai sihastru asa, luati-o usor. Tatonati un pic terenul. Daca vedeti cu omu’ pare sa dea semne ca ar vrea, dati-i marul de aur in mana, aliniati pretendentii si hai cu tinta! Daca il vedeti ca evita subiectul si se rusineaza, lasati-l in pace. De unde stiti ca nu ii place deja de cineva si e ocupat ca Vaduva Neagra sa il prinda pe ala la mititica si n-are nevoie de voi chiar acum haha. Sau pur si simplu ar dori unu’ cu vreo 10cm mai inalt decat ce aveti voi la oferta.

E grele cu viata. Dar daca n-am trece prin fiecare zi, de mana si zambind, ar fi si mai naspa.

Hai va pup.

Mela

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The Hook Up

I was talking this morning to a friend of mine driven a bit off the edge because one of her friends was trying to hook her up with some guy and somehow she went with the wave and even started liking the guy. When in fact, after a while the entire thing sort of collapsed in some high school bulshit drama due to lack of communication and basic personality mismatch. So when sitting back in her corner she wondered why the hell did she go for this in the first place. What, she can’t pick a man for herself anymore? Meaning, to “sniff” him herself, to get to know him and approach him in her own sweet time? How desperate and lonely can a girl get to need third party offers only to be with someone? The girl, divorced for about a year, she is now working on putting her life together.

I never really got it why people wanna “hook you up” when you’re single. Let’s define single first. When I was single before getting married nobody cared whether I was seeing someone or not. None of my familiars ever said “so Mela, what’s with the draught? No man, no nothing?” Best case scenario, they’d ask me whether I like someone in particular just because they saw me spending more time with the guy for one reason or another or I was asked directly by a guy interested in being with me. Otherwise, no one really died of anxiety as to why is Mela single.

But, if you’re single following a divorce or anything catastrophically similar that society labels as being fucked up, things turn around big time and suddenly at least one relative or friend jumps to the rescue.

And it has been going on for a while. Long while. They did it with mom too. Still, being a smart tough cookie with a child at home, mom never gave the time of day to any man who wasn’t pre-approved by yours truly at her mature age of about 4 years old. And you’d think that mom stayed single up to now cause I never liked any of them. Far from the truth! I did pick one that I also dismissed many years after when he didn’t prove to be the man I thought he was and felt he was no good for mom. And this didn’t work on bribery, you know. Even though I did take all the chocolate and candy, but never really signed them approval haha. I had quite a communist approach to this!

Well, same happening with me. Like I was saying, when I was single no one hurried to hook me up. Mom was the only one, based on healthy reasons and sincere concern who kept wondering what I plan to do with my life, especially at a time when most of my (same age) friends would get married one after another. After divorcing though, the gravitational poles of the Earth commuted (I detailed a bit about what being divorced means earlier on in a different post, here is the link: The Stigma). Sort of jokingly, but not really, not even 2 months after my divorce they were like “come on, let me introduce you this awesome super guy!”

Let’s get one thing clear. This divorcing thing is not easy in more ways than one. It’s not the end of the world either. We don’t suddenly become incapacitated to form a new relationship. Yeah, we are so much more cautious, and yes, it make take longer than before. Some standards change, we polish some desires and expectations because we don’t want to end up in the same situation as before. But that still doesn’t mean that we’ve been hit with no chance of recovery.

Experts say that from an emotional point of view, divorcing can be just as painful as the death of a loved one. Then why is it thwta you’d want to push someone who has just gone through this experience to start a new thing with someone else? This is the time when they don’t even feel like hearing the word “man” again. You just want to have some time to yourself, lick a wound, yell, laugh and cry, grab hold of your life again and set it in motion onto a new direction. Yeah, there are some people who following a divorce act like that little furry guy in Ice Age, Scratt, who sees acorns everywhere. Suddenly their horizon of possibilities has expanded, no more restrictions, all you can eat buffet! That’s also a form of letting go, just of a different type. Well, at least with these people you don’t have to help. They’ll be helping themselves, thank you! haha

There are some fortunate cases, like my own, where a friend actually hooked me up with a really nice guy, very calm, minding his own business, no drama queen. It was the right treatment for the situation. We helped each other and went it went away because it just went away, we were fine. It was another lesson in life, that sometimes some relationships only happen for a reason, for a certain time. That’s it.

Men seem to find a new girlfriend/wife/open buffet much easier afterwards. I tend to believe that. We have a bit more trouble with our emotional personality. But that still doesn’t mean we need support in finding a man. Fundamentally, what I wanted in a man when I was 18 is what I want in a man now. Tall, brunette with green eyes. Hahaha. I’m kidding! Then again Brad Pitt, his Achillian version in Troy is the only blue eye blond I’d date!Yum! haha). Only that now, I just don’t feel like trying and trying just for the sake of dating. “But Mela, this guy likes you! He’s seen your picture blah bla!” Good for him. But I don’t care to be with someone unless I deem it worthy of my time and emotional investment. It’s a waste of time and it’s useless. It’s like going shopping. I see 5 pair of jeans but I’m only trying on the ones I like most. I’m not going to go in the booth a thousand times, clothes off, try it, stare in the mirror, twist, turn, clothes on and all that crap! I’m gonna pick one guy and that’s it, even if it takes me a year and a half to find him. I can’t go through all the beginner phase anymore. At least it’ll be my pick and whatever happens it will be on me from beginning to the end and it will spare of further comments of “yeah, so bad, I really though you guys looked good together. Maybe next time!...........................”

My dear friends, all of you, you know who you are – I love you! At the end of the day if our loved ones want to help us get out of what they seem loneliness, it’s because they care and worry. But there are so many emotional nuances to what a separation involves that unless you went through one, it can’t really be described. So next time you find a “divorced monk/nun”, take it easy. Take some time and see if hinting works and they seem responsive to suggestions. If they do, go right ahead, have them hold the golden apple and then line up those fine specimens ready to be struck by luck! If they avoid the subject and seem embarrassed and shy with it, let them be. Who knows, maybe they’re already on to someone and just like the Black Widow they’re building their net to catch the poor bastard! Haha Or maybe your “offer” is about 5 inches shorter than what they have in mind.

Life is a tough call. But as long as we’re walking hand in hand and smiling, we still have a chance to make it good.

Kisses,

Mela